Mandatory Showers for All Boxers by Les Flipper

Report by,
Les Flipper
Hypothetical News Sports Editor

 

In boxing news, The World Federation of Boxing announced today it was illegal to use body odor to stun an opponent and render them dangerously unconscious.  Approximately 7,400 Referees World Wide signed a petition saying that, "the foul stench coming from the boxers and pits of these fighters could stun an entire heard of stampeding elephants 2 kilometers away.

Mandatory showers for all boxers will be in effect this fall!

UNIR1 Hypothetical News.
UNIR1 © 2012 All Rights Reserved.

I Be Ken You Be Barbie Scenario Set

Hi! I'm Stein,
Hypothetical News CEO

The "I Be Ken You Be Barbie Scenario" set was released with much mixed criticism. However, sales revenue statistics overwhelming showed that 85% who purchased the set were women ages 35 to 45.
 

Ken plans to renegotiate his contract as soon as this Monday! A spokes person from Barbies camp says, "We're attempting to get a hold of Jake Gyllenhaal to fill in Ken's spot so Barbie can fill in Jake! The problem is Jake is only available in the bobble head version at the moment."








UNIR1 Hypothetical News.
UNIR1 © 2012 All Rights Reserved.

Wendy's Ketchup Packet Recall Effect

Report by,
I. Magi Nation 
Hypothetical News Creative director & editor.

Wendy's announced today that they will be disposing of all their old ketchup packets this weekend.
Some of the packets couldn't take the pressure.

UNIR1 Hypothetical News.
UNIR1 © 2012 All Rights Reserved.

Seal Take Over - Revenge or Global Warming?

Report by,

Will Vereen

Hypothetical News Animal & Pet Editor.

In World news there is more concerns of the growing army of seals killing and then poaching innocent human babies.  Many believe the seals have retaliated back on the world after decades of cruelty against their young. However, scientists may have a link to Global Warming and abnormal glacier melting as an answer to the seal's sudden change in behavior.

UNIR1 Hypothetical News.
UNIR1 © 2012 All Rights Reserved.

Carrie Paraphernalia reports Top 10 "Just Sayin" sayings

Report by
Carrie Paraphernalia
Hypothetical News Trend Analyst,
Drug Dealer & News Room Slut.







We all say it all the time.  "Just sayin" seems to be attached to just about every statement we say now a days. - - Just Sayin!  lol.

Here's a list of the Top 10 "Just Sayin" from our Hypothetical News Trend reporter, Carrie Paraphernalia.

10.  Man he's hot, I would love to do him - - just sayin.

9.  Man she's hot, I would love to do her - - just sayin.

8.  Those clothes make you look fat - - just sayin.

7. Anyone could have bad breath Robert but yours could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon. - -  just sayin.

6. Saying the 1st thing that comes to mind isn’t always saying what u really want to say.  - just sayin.

5. Um, dude don't wear that shirt, I was kinda horny this morning. - - - just sayin.

4. Dad, that's my ass! - - just sayin!

3. Realationships are only made for 2 people but obviously some people cant count…just sayin.

3. While your sitting there all day playing Call of Duty, your girlfriend is calling me to do your duty. - just sayin!

2. Boy, I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard or saw just saying. -  just sayin.

1. Every one should tune in to UNIR1 Radio! - - just sayin!

www.unir1.fm

 
UNIR1 Hypothetical News.
UNIR1 © 2012 All Rights Reserved.

Krueger's New Nightmare "It's Time To Lose The Nails For Good"

Newly appointed Fashion editor,
Luking Goode reports.

"It's Time To Lose The Nails"

Freddy Krueger Demi-God/Goblin Semi Retired

Freddie Krueger today announces that he is losing his nails for good.  The 93 year old dreamscape monster, most noted for making eery chalkboard noises across metal surfaces and cutting and shredding people up to bits said he was sick & tired of plastic surgery and endless doctor bills that his medical insurance just would not cover.  When asked what he plans on doing with his newly manicured hands Krueger says, "I always wanted be a hand model or maybe even a puppeteer. Now I can be all the normal things that all those other children dream about being.  

Doctors say it shouldn't take long for Freddy to heal after the operation based on his previous recuperative powers.   We'll keep you posted on Freddy's new nightmare as they become real.


UNIR1 Hypothetical News.
UNIR1 © 2012 All Rights Reserved.

Bum Baby Seats Recall says Fractures babys skulls.

Sir Noah Idem - UNIR1 Hypothetical Product tester and reporter.













 Hi gang!,


Bum Baby says they are recalling 4 Million Infant Floor Seats saying that the seats cause Skull Fractures.
Well, this really shits my diaper!  I spent days banging my head on this thing, jamming my head in the seat...etc,  and I still can't fracture my skull.

As far as me wiggling out of the seat.  Yeah, I can freakin do that.  There is no restraint on the stupid thing.  WTF were the Bums thinking?  Parents are lazy no good for nothin bums.  Especially mine!  To think for one second that a parent has the back power to lift my fat ass off the floor including the Floor Seat on top of a counter is ridiculous.

I could have easily pulled a Johnny Knoxville and left the Bum on top of the limo.

0 out of 5 stars from Noah Idem! 
UNIR1 Hypothetical News.
UNIR1 © 2012 All Rights Reserved.