Mandatory Showers for All Boxers by Les Flipper

Report by,
Les Flipper
Hypothetical News Sports Editor

 

In boxing news, The World Federation of Boxing announced today it was illegal to use body odor to stun an opponent and render them dangerously unconscious.  Approximately 7,400 Referees World Wide signed a petition saying that, "the foul stench coming from the boxers and pits of these fighters could stun an entire heard of stampeding elephants 2 kilometers away.

Mandatory showers for all boxers will be in effect this fall!

UNIR1 Hypothetical News.
UNIR1 © 2012 All Rights Reserved.

I Be Ken You Be Barbie Scenario Set

Hi! I'm Stein,
Hypothetical News CEO

The "I Be Ken You Be Barbie Scenario" set was released with much mixed criticism. However, sales revenue statistics overwhelming showed that 85% who purchased the set were women ages 35 to 45.
 

Ken plans to renegotiate his contract as soon as this Monday! A spokes person from Barbies camp says, "We're attempting to get a hold of Jake Gyllenhaal to fill in Ken's spot so Barbie can fill in Jake! The problem is Jake is only available in the bobble head version at the moment."








UNIR1 Hypothetical News.
UNIR1 © 2012 All Rights Reserved.

Wendy's Ketchup Packet Recall Effect

Report by,
I. Magi Nation 
Hypothetical News Creative director & editor.

Wendy's announced today that they will be disposing of all their old ketchup packets this weekend.
Some of the packets couldn't take the pressure.

UNIR1 Hypothetical News.
UNIR1 © 2012 All Rights Reserved.

Seal Take Over - Revenge or Global Warming?

Report by,

Will Vereen

Hypothetical News Animal & Pet Editor.

In World news there is more concerns of the growing army of seals killing and then poaching innocent human babies.  Many believe the seals have retaliated back on the world after decades of cruelty against their young. However, scientists may have a link to Global Warming and abnormal glacier melting as an answer to the seal's sudden change in behavior.

UNIR1 Hypothetical News.
UNIR1 © 2012 All Rights Reserved.

Carrie Paraphernalia reports Top 10 "Just Sayin" sayings

Report by
Carrie Paraphernalia
Hypothetical News Trend Analyst,
Drug Dealer & News Room Slut.







We all say it all the time.  "Just sayin" seems to be attached to just about every statement we say now a days. - - Just Sayin!  lol.

Here's a list of the Top 10 "Just Sayin" from our Hypothetical News Trend reporter, Carrie Paraphernalia.

10.  Man he's hot, I would love to do him - - just sayin.

9.  Man she's hot, I would love to do her - - just sayin.

8.  Those clothes make you look fat - - just sayin.

7. Anyone could have bad breath Robert but yours could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon. - -  just sayin.

6. Saying the 1st thing that comes to mind isn’t always saying what u really want to say.  - just sayin.

5. Um, dude don't wear that shirt, I was kinda horny this morning. - - - just sayin.

4. Dad, that's my ass! - - just sayin!

3. Realationships are only made for 2 people but obviously some people cant count…just sayin.

3. While your sitting there all day playing Call of Duty, your girlfriend is calling me to do your duty. - just sayin!

2. Boy, I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard or saw just saying. -  just sayin.

1. Every one should tune in to UNIR1 Radio! - - just sayin!

www.unir1.fm

 
UNIR1 Hypothetical News.
UNIR1 © 2012 All Rights Reserved.

Krueger's New Nightmare "It's Time To Lose The Nails For Good"

Newly appointed Fashion editor,
Luking Goode reports.

"It's Time To Lose The Nails"

Freddy Krueger Demi-God/Goblin Semi Retired

Freddie Krueger today announces that he is losing his nails for good.  The 93 year old dreamscape monster, most noted for making eery chalkboard noises across metal surfaces and cutting and shredding people up to bits said he was sick & tired of plastic surgery and endless doctor bills that his medical insurance just would not cover.  When asked what he plans on doing with his newly manicured hands Krueger says, "I always wanted be a hand model or maybe even a puppeteer. Now I can be all the normal things that all those other children dream about being.  

Doctors say it shouldn't take long for Freddy to heal after the operation based on his previous recuperative powers.   We'll keep you posted on Freddy's new nightmare as they become real.


UNIR1 Hypothetical News.
UNIR1 © 2012 All Rights Reserved.

Bum Baby Seats Recall says Fractures babys skulls.

Sir Noah Idem - UNIR1 Hypothetical Product tester and reporter.













 Hi gang!,


Bum Baby says they are recalling 4 Million Infant Floor Seats saying that the seats cause Skull Fractures.
Well, this really shits my diaper!  I spent days banging my head on this thing, jamming my head in the seat...etc,  and I still can't fracture my skull.

As far as me wiggling out of the seat.  Yeah, I can freakin do that.  There is no restraint on the stupid thing.  WTF were the Bums thinking?  Parents are lazy no good for nothin bums.  Especially mine!  To think for one second that a parent has the back power to lift my fat ass off the floor including the Floor Seat on top of a counter is ridiculous.

I could have easily pulled a Johnny Knoxville and left the Bum on top of the limo.

0 out of 5 stars from Noah Idem! 
UNIR1 Hypothetical News.
UNIR1 © 2012 All Rights Reserved.

Welcome to UNIR1 Hypothetical News

A Brief Introduction


From the sick mind of UNIR1 Radio,
We present to you UNIR1 Hypothetical News.
It is exactly what the title says it is.
We hope you get as much enjoyment reading
our blog articles as we do making them.
Below is a list of the Hypothetical News Staff.  
Try to remember their names by matching them to their faces. 
You'll be seeing them often.
 
I'm Stein! The Hypothetical News Chief Editor in charge.  I do the same thing over and over again and get the same results every time.  Here are some of my friends that work with me that share the same lifestyle and see things exactly the way that I do.



 


I. Magi Nation - Hypothetical News Creative director & editor.
I brings a whole new meaning to the word eye.
She's fun loving, exciting and has a mind all her own.
Sometimes late at night you can hear her singing a Temptations' song,
 "Just I Magi Nation. Running a ray wif me."

I always brightens our day with her unified stare and that lemon yellow smile!

Hugh Mongous - Hypothetical News Health Editor.  
We needed someone with enormous experience.  Hugh fits the bill.  
Health is a huge issue now.  
It's Hugh's issue.

The weight of the world's health issues weigh heavily in Hugh's stomach 
and that gives him the ample fuel to deliver a fresh hot story to the plate.

Los Mind - Hypothetical News Spanish Editor.  Los may act like the silent type, but he is no loss for words when it comes to Spanish.  With breath like an iguana, Los has brought us closer to the Spanish community by visiting several towns once a month to do his famous Eric Estrada impersonation. 
 
Los also enters himself in the CHIPS RIDE-A-THON once a year to help local Chihuahua's find work as hand bag accessories in celebrity fashion  and parts for Nationwide Taco Bell Grand opening tours.

Wesley Sniper - Hypothetical News Marketing & Targeting Director.

Wesley would like to stay anonymous for obvious reasons.  He says, "My gun does the talking for me. One shot.  That's it.  That's all it takes."
Wesley is also a master at one liners and celebrity roasts. 
He really kills us with some of the shots he takes at people.

Wesley delivers the news accurately, precisely & on time.

Lord Pope Vader - Hypothetical News Religion Editor.
Since his humble departure from the Death Star, Lord Vader has become the Pope, and since most wars are based on religion & power.  We thought Lord Pope Vader was the perfect choice.

YODA MAN - Hypothetical News Gofer.
Yoda is Lord Pope Vader's assistant and a tremendous asset to the UNIR1 Hypothetical News Team.  "Go Go Gofers Got To Go Go Go" is his favorite song.  
The office explodes with lots of high fives and chants of, "YODA MAN" from everyone on the team, 
as well as from around the world.

 Fun Yung Guy - Hypothetical News Senior Children's Correspondent. Don't let the name fool you.  Fun Yung Guy is a crabby old man from China who teaches children the way of .....well the way a crabby old man would teach their own children.  
"One can only teach what one has lived."
This means lots of short stories & reviews from the Fun Yung Guy's Senior Palace!

Will Vereen - Hypothetical News Animal & Pet Editor.  Will is an animals last testament.  He is extremely passionate about his work and takes the time to sniff out crime.  Animals around the world email Will with tall tales and fuzzy feelings.  Some even describe cruel and unjust punishments.  Will says, "It's a ruff job, but somebody's gotta do it!"

Woody Kutchu - Hypothetical News Food Editor and Critic.  When it comes to fine food, Woody makes the cut! Woody gets to the point about food and just about anything else he puts his head to.  His sharp critiques about the way foods taste, looks and smells pans out a very seasoned recipe for the world to savor.

His newest book internally titled, "My Digestive Track" can be found in the bowels of some of the largest food and cook book chains in the world.

Sir Noah Idem - Hypothetical News Product tester and reporter.  If you need to know an item, just ask Noah Idem. From match cars to large automobiles, Noah will beat it, rip it, gum it, spit up on it and give you the facts.
 
Child Labor Authority gave us a hard time getting to Noah Idem and intervened us at the Airport after flying in from London.  In order to have Noah work for UNIR1 Hypothetical News, we had to supply the authorities with Noah's birth certificate proving that he is indeed 45 years old.

ENIK - Hypothetical News Science & Technology Editor.

Enik was kind enough to join the team here at UNIR1 Hypothetical News.  His knowledge of dinosaurs, space and those funny colored stones that fly in the sky are invaluable.

This rare picture of Enik to the left was taken when he was a tiny little sleemound and well before he was Emperor of the Sleestacks.

Les Flipper - Hypothetical News Sports Editor.

Les is more or less the long arm of the sports department. He skips his way to just about every single event he's assigned to
and brings the exciting news back to us like a rabid walrus in heat. 
 
Les also lends a small hand with Woody Kutchu on his food network.  The two act like long lost Samurai Ginsu Warriors.
It's a sheer riot!

Carrie Paraphernalia - Hypothetical News Branding & Trend Setting Director.
There isn't a line or trend that Carrie hasn't uncovered or snorted.  Carrie carries the secrets to the universe and gives you the tools to pursue new opportunities and joint ventures.  

Well that's it! That's our entire Hypothetical News Staff.

We hope you enjoy all our hypothetical articles.  But, more importantly our open minds to subjects that don't get talked about and perhaps never thought of before.

Subscribe to us on the right hand column and bookmark us for easy reference!

Now look into my eyes.  Are you ready?
Ok!
Let's go!!!